This Is Roughly How Drunk I Intend To Get Tonight

I can't believe somebody thought of this! Genius! I wonder what would happen if you slowed down Jurassic Park to 1/2 speed... "Muussttt... Goooo... Faaasstteerrrrr..."

One more for your viewing pleasure:



I lost interest in this one after about 1:30, kind of like the way you lose interest in most drunken people's stories after a while. Make sense goddamnit!

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Oh - Happy New Year everyone!!!

Quirky British Humour Continues Inevitable Box-Office Slaughtering

So, like, with the all the success and praise heaped on UK comedy exports to America (The Office, Shaun of the Dead, Ricky Gervais in general), it is not surprising that newer and badder manifestations look set to continue this streak for quite some time.

Lesbian Vampire Killers lands on your laugh-track-repulsed, witty-asides-starved laps sometime in 2009, and I will without a shadow of a doubt be going to see this. The trailer doesn't exactly give much away, aside from the fact that there are lesbian vampires and killers of said lesbian vampires, but it's got the guy from The Catherine Tate Show and Teachers in it so I know there are bountiful jokes involved.

I Shouldn't, But I Do...

You know those songs you hear that have so little in common with what you normally listen to, yet you find yourself absolutely enthralled by?

Case in point: Larry Levan's 1985 remix of Stand On The World by the Joubert Singers. From what I've been able to gather, the Joubert Singers were a real choir in New York that recorded a live album, which sold reasonably well and managed to find its way into the hands of disco and funk DJs, who incorporated the track into their mixes. Larry Levan, a extremely hottt house DJ of the time, made a remix that was never given an official release but was brought out on bootleg labels. Or something.

The IMPORTANT thing is that this song absolutely blows me away. I have no idea what it is about it; it just feels incredible any time I listen to it. From the first time I heard it, on this compilation which plays occasionally in work, I was completely and utterly in love. It's the kids choir; it's the rattly piano intro; it's the sexy beats; it's the addictive chorus; it's something to do with the key, like a mild form of way that tiny fraction of the population see colours depending on certain keys and sounds.

I'm not an avid gospel fan most of the time - it sounds good but it's not something I actively seek out when I'm browsing in HMV. I'm also not even remotely religious. And for all I know you might listen to this song and think "what the bejaysus is the big deal with this? It's sooooooo MEH!" But I can tell you that I'm so in love with this I've taken a big leap and bought it on vinyl - a first for me! Now all I need is an actual record player...

My Christmas Just Found A Soundtrack

TreeWaxHD from klipcollective on Vimeo

I don't need to remind you all of the amazingness of Soulwax, and I also don't need to remind you that Christmas is very, very nearby (got all those presents yet? I know I haven't...)

What have these two things got in common exactly? Why, it's the above video! Made by something called the Klip Collective, a company/group that specialises in creating elaborate site-specific projections and visuals, the video mixes Soulwax's Fifth of Beethoven remix with co-ordinated dancing santas and musical christmas presents. The audio is also of fabulously high quality... ahhhhhhh my ears say thank you...

On a related note, I'd like to wish you all an amazing Christmas! I don't know if I'll get to write much over the next few days, though now that I've said that I realise I will probably be so bored at home, slash tense and stressed from repeated thinly-veiled bitter intra-family comments, so I may actually end up writing more over the next few days than at any point prior. Really could go either way...

Greer Childers Is My New Thinspiration

I'm really starting to think these '80s lifestyle videos are an unmined bounty of comic material; first there was Brenda Dickson, now Greer Childers has entered my life with her fabulous facial stretching techniques. I thought this was a complete piss-take till I Googled her; lo and behold, it's REAL! Waiting for the inevitable Deven Green parodies.

Now You Too Can Throw Shoes At George Bush

There goes my free time! Check the game out here.

Go Tell It On The Mountain, Bitches!

AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

At time of viewing this only had 547 views on Youtube - criminal! Absolutely criminal! This is the best thing I've seen in ages - the fantastic camera work (loving that zoom-to-bouquet camera transition at 0:15, and bizarrely at 3:05 - seamless!), the repeated urges to have a fabulous Christmas, the beautiful vocal renditions...

Most of all though, I'm loving that bitch on the far right. Merna, is it? Though she clearly looks like she's having the time of her life, I sense she would much, MUCH rather be downing whiskey chasers at a frat party and dancing on a filthy bartop in a Girl's Gone Wild special than standing beside that miserable old bag in that fugly sweater (which I kind of want actually... cringe!)

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to spread this far and wide. It NEEDS to be seen by all. There's so much to love - from the awkward fade-out at the end, to the sheer wondrousness of that backing track, now with added slap-bass! This is Christmas cheer, in glorious, glorious video form!!

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Lily Allen Catapults Her Way Into My Good Books

Despite my absolute love for Britney Spears' latest album Circus, I never could endear myself to the first track released from it, Womanizer. It was just something about the synths and the chords, making it sound like some kind of knock-off of Toxic. Despite hearing it everywhere I went (well and truly; I even heard it as I slept, blaring from the bar under my apartment) I just could NOT get into it.

Until now! I don't know what it is about Lily Allen's cover, but I suddenly see what all the fuss is about. I think it has something to do with Lily's version being more... I dunno, fun I guess. I can't help but think her voice suits the song way more as well.

But before all you h8rs get up in mah grill bout preferring a Lily to a Britney, let me stress that Brit's version is far mightier than Ladyhawke's version, in my humble opinion anyway. It's good, interesting orchestration and everything, but it sounds like it might be more at home in an episode of Midsomer Murders slash period drama than a Britney covers special. If she'd stuck with the massive '80s synths my opinion on this might be very different...

Dubai Continues Aggressive Rampage Of Fabulousity

Just when you thought Dubai could not possibly get more obnoxious (after all, they already have this, this and this) along comes Versace and announces plans for a hotel there that will feature a refrigerated beach.

Now I realise Dubai is apparently a very hot place, and sure sand gets pretty toasty when it's exposed to the suns intense rays for prolonged periods of time. This is why it is inadvisable to walk on sand in hot countries barefoot, as you might experience mild, mild discomfort from the heat on the soles of your poor little feet. In which case you should probably pop a pair of flip-flops or sandals on. Problem solved!

It's not exactly the most environmentally friendly approach that's being taken here, but in fairness this IS Dubai; massive swathes of new offshore land and $20-million fireworks displays aren't exactly carbon neutral.

I say let the rich have their gimmicks! When a massive plague of environmental karma wipes Dubai off the map in some kind of dramatic The Day After Tomorrow-style fashion, then the time to worry will have come. Until then, I'm planning my visit to Dubai in late January (seriously...); hopefully the iceballs of wrath will not have started falling by then.

Oh It's A Hard Life!!

Who doesn't love supermodels?? If you ever needed proof that being a model is possibly the most amazing career imaginable, watch the above - an induction into Alessandra Ambrosio's upcoming webseries A Model's Life.

From what I can gather, the series will essentially involve gratuitous shots of Alessandra, laughing and having the time of her life at fashion shoots, several beaches, diving off boats and having a drink (just the one drink though) with her mates, all the time maintaining an air of incredibly effortless beauty. I'll be hooked on this, wishing for the life of a model (which is probably the point) while cradling my tub of Haagen Dazs. I literally ate an entire tub this evening - somebody stop me!!

Shower McSteamy Takes His Britney Dance Public

He may be unrecognisable in the above still (looking bizarrely like an urban-goth '50s granny) but that is indeed the Britney Spears fanboi I posted about a few days ago.

This time he's busting his (admittedly limited, though I can't really talk) dance moves to the strains of Kill The Lights, and he must have caught considerable notice first time round cos this one is apparently exclusively for britneyspears.com.

I'm a big fan of travellator videos for some bizarre reason - when I first saw the above I was CERTAIN it was filmed in the same place as this, but alas I was wrong.

Unfortunately, despite his best efforts, there is a VITAL COMPONENT missing from this video. Yes - an end-of-scene cameo appearance from mother dearest! In fairness she's probably holding the camera, wondering what in God's name she's doing videotaping her son gyrating around a shopping mall when she could be at bingo, but unless she's in front of that camera I ain't happy!

They Tried To Make Me Go To Rehab, I Said...

Who Does It Better??

I'm afraid embedding is not being my friend right now so you'll have to click here to watch the new video for Britney Spears' latest single, Circus. 3,500,000 views already - impressive!

Of course, a new Britney/Beyonce/Madonna video appearance would not be complete without a DIY improv dance routine uploaded by a token gay. Here it is!



I'm intrigued that he saw fit to tag his video with the words "sexy", "sex" and "jock", but whatevs. To be honest I think it's brilliant - my favourite moment has to be the very end, when a second person is introduced into the mix. Without ruining it for you, I can reveal that it is NOT a token gay flatmate/dancemate!

Also how ridiculous is that shower? It has a frigging SEAT in it. I want one.

It's Not A Big Deal Just, It's RIGHT Here, And It's ALL The Time

Poor Blythe. It can't be easy when your daughter chooses to be friends with a home-wrecking botox-addicted pseudo-lesbian, but it must be something else entirely when you type her name into Google and discover THIS.

Now, I've no idea what the fuck 'goop' is, apart from the stuff that collects in the corner of your eye when you apply too much mascara (16:40), but apparently it's a website for the reader to "nourish the inner aspect". WHAAATTT?!

Gwyneth's uber-blog is some kind of Xtreme lifestyle purveyor reader, where the impossibly upwardly mobile housewife can discover the perfect way to use all that Valrhona that's been lying around the maison. Her latest idea is a holiday gift-list featuring such practical recession-era presents as a $1,395 Mulberry Weekend Bag and a $500 Dean & Deluca hamper. She is, like, SO in touch with the middle class?

Her newsletters make her sound like some kind of philosophical Bree Van de Kamp, extolling the true meaning of Thanksgiving - "make sure that no matter what type of meal you are having, you take a moment to think about how much you do have (health, love, friendship, passion, perspective, appreciation, intellect, reason, kindness) and reflect on how you can share more of it with others." W. T. F.

Gwyneth bbz, I can barely afford a McDonald's for dinner; I'm in no mood to read your whiney, potentially bankrupting self-obsessed blog posts. You'll excuse me if I spend more time studying my latest Tesco Clubcard statement than your grossly misinformed ranting . Re: that link - I'm quite sure the concept of seasons is a well-established, global phenomenon (as distinct from a geographical one) but what do I know, my disposable income is nowhere near the Goop threshold level.

In the interest of boring, banal balance however, I point your attention to this - note the "other work" section. Forgive my seriousness but $500,000 for breast cancer research is truly impressive. If her blog wasn't so ridiculous, and if she ditched her FleshMaster 2000-addicted friends, I'd have serious respect for this one.

This Is Like Watching The Women's Final At Wimbledon

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Judith Sheindlin And Her Producers Need To Watch This

I love watching a Judge Judy marathon as much as the next person, but I'm always somewhat disappointed that there isn't more trashy confrontation on the show. During the after-court summaries the plaintiff and defendant are always so tame, each of them standing back politely to allow the other to recite their spiel to the camera. "I don't care what Judge Judy says, Renee Laverne OWES me $500!"

The folks in the above video clearly believe in doing things differently. The subject matter is obviously extremely serious, but forget legalities, judges and courtroom verdicts: if someone'e pissed you off, slap them and try to pull their hair out! No nonsense necessary. If every episode of Judge Judy (slash Judge Joe Brown) ended like this, ratings would rocket.

Feature-Length This, Please

There are far, far too many familiar faces in Prop 8: The Musical for me to begin listing them, so I'm going to skip over that, except to observe: yes that is Sarah Chalke you see on the sidelines of the h8ers. Bit part!

As the creator and writer of this masterpiece Marc Shalman notes, it's about six weeks too late but that hardly matters now; to be honest, to me the whole Prop 8 shenanigans has the whiff of temporariness (yes that is a word, apparently...) about it - does anybody really believe that gay marriage is still going to be illegal in California in ten, even five years?

That said, if such draconian and ridiculous legislation inspires such fabulous comical/musical productions, maybe the whole thing isn't so bad after all... *ducks to avoid volley of angry glitter bombs and cosmo-based Molotov cocktails*

A Capella Kids

The pitchings a bit off in places but this is still amazing! That instrumental breakdown guy rocks my world. If/when you get bored of this, you should also check this out. The group, in case you were wondering, is the Singing Knights of Carleton College, in Minnesota.



Actually, despite the sound quality, I reckon these guys have way more technique:

For The Record Finally Airs

Soooooo as if anybody needed any introductions/reminders, Britney Spears' pseudo-documentary Britney: For The Record aired last night, promising to answer all our questions about the pop princess' rather erratic and weird last few years.

Don't me wrong, I loved British-accent-Britney (Babs?) but am glad she has finally got her shit together and is returning to 2003/2004-era, even if it does translate as a generous helping of sugar coating applied to all aspects of her life.

She definitely comes across as pretty well-grounded at the moment - telling jokes, having a laugh, but also not afraid to show some real emotion. Unfortunately it's hard to know how much of this was real and how much was scripted to perfection.

The sugar coating was particularly annoying, as the questions that most people would have asked her were not even touched upon. I for one would have asked her about (I swear I'm not obsessed but) the British accent: who was her vocal trainer? I mean c'mon it was amazing! WHY did she pick a British accent? Just cos Madonna does something doesn't mean it's cool...

Speaking of Madonna - I really think somebody needs to stage an intervention before she pulls a Maryann (bring back Cybill!!) and becomes completely unrecognisable.

Papa Spears came across as quite irritating - it's clear he cares about his daughter but you couldn't shake the feeling that she was essentially a cash-cow to him. Throughout the interview she clearly despises his influence on her, mocking him and at one stage reducing him to tears, which was a tad harsh but who knows the level of emotinal complexity operating in a family that constantly lives under the spotlight.

I've put part one at the end of this post; at the moment the other parts are on Youtube but only in a random-gay-pointing-a-camcorder-at-his-TV form. Hopefully some higher quality ones will be up soon.

Oh and they played this! C'mon get together...